When a Man Loves a Cow

This one was forwarded to me, about the man having sex with cows. I think some editorializing is in order.

NEILLSVILLE, Wis. Feb 26, 2005 — A 63-year-old man is charged with sexual gratification with an animal for allegedly having sex with calves.

I see two issues here. First, is having sex with cows. But what the story fails to mention is that these were calves. That means adolescent cows, Mr. President. Underage cows! I'm not sure what age a cow is able to consent to having sex.

Harold G. Hart, of Neillsville, allegedly told police that he routinely stopped at a Greenwood farm, usually after bar closing or on trips to strip clubs near Marshfield or Neillsville.

Here's a question for the male readers. Have you ever left a strip club with the urge to nail a cow? You can use the anonymous posting feature to comment.

A criminal complaint filed in Clark County Circuit Court said the farm's owners installed a motion detector on Jan. 22 after regularly seeing footprints and vehicle tracks on their land. Around 4 a.m. the next morning, a sensor sounded and Hart was caught leaving the barn, but Hart allegedly said he just used a bathroom in the barn and had never been there before.

I wonder what the farm owner's thoughts were? Especially with footprints and tire tracks, but nothing stolen or missing. "Hmm, footprints. I think somebody has been screwing my calves. I'm going to put in a motion detector."

Hart told police he had sex with heifers before he went into the service in 1963 and resumed about a year ago at the farm. He admitted to using a rope to tie calves around the neck and estimated he had been to the farm "at least 50 times," according to the complaint.

I think the word "heifers" adds a little to the story. Plus, there's a little bondage and perhaps S&M theme going on here. So, this guy is having sex with "heifers," and stops in 1963 when he goes into the service. Then he goes 41 years without man-cow love? Do you believe that? If this guy loves ropin' a cow and showing her who's boss, then how can he stop that urge for 41 years? I'd like to know where he was stationed during his service, and whether or not there were farms nearby.

He told police he never had sex with animals while maintaining a relationship with his a girlfriend or his wife, the complaint said.

So, is he trying to say he's been loyal to his wife/girlfriend, or to his calf? Where's the monogamy in this sentence? Another question, how does he pick a calf from the barn? Call me a bovine bigot, but all cows kind of look the same to me. I wonder if he just went around the barn, looking for that special "spark" on eye contact. Maybe he was looking for that chemistry that would single out which calf was "the one," Neo.

I'd like to hear some comments from the wife and girlfriend(s), too. What's going through their minds on this news? Are they surprised? Or, have they always known that they were never quite #1 with their man? Did they feel like they were always sharing him with someone else? Did he ever make any special "requests" that seemed weird or out of the ordinary?

Hart also is charged with disorderly conduct and two counts of obstructing an officer. Each charge carries up to nine months in jail.

I'm using my imagination here, but could imagine the first count of obstructing the officer was something like a plea, "But officer, we're in love!" Then, after the officer put him in the patrol car, "You just want her for yourself!"

Hart is scheduled to appear in court March 10.

Now, I'd much rather get some coverage of this trial, than what we're getting from the Michael Jackson trial or the Martha Stewart release. Know what I mean, Vern?