Raiders Lose Opener, Blame President Bush

The defending Super Bowl champion New England Patriots defeated the visiting Oakland Raiders 30-20 in the NFL opener Thursday night. Democrats and Raider fans immediately blamed the Bush administration for the Raiders loss.

Harry Reid said, "This is another case of the Bush administration favoring the haves at the expense of the have-nots. The Patriots have won back-to-back Super Bowls, and three altogether. How many rings does Tom Brady need? When is enough enough for these well-to-do? The Raiders haven't won in a long time, and the Bush administration knew this before the toss of the coin. Why didn't they intervene before the game, to give assistance to the team that needed it most? Where was Dick Cheney?"

Nancy Pelosi called a press conference early friday morning, to express her outrage over the Raiders loss to the Patriots. "Tax cuts for the wealthy. Victories to defending Super Bowl champions. When will it stop for this most corrupt political regime in American history?"

New York Senator Hillary Clinton issued a statement through her spokesperson, stating that there should be a special commission to investigate the matter.

Republican officials were quick to rebut the attacks. The Bush administration commented that it was a combination of player skills and coaching that determined the outcome of the football game. "While this administration understands the sorrow felt by the Oakland Raiders following their loss, we congratulate the New England Patriots for their victory." Bush quickly sent Dick Cheney to the post-game ceremonies after the game, where he met with both head coaches to get their views of the game.

"Both coaches believe that the players tried their best, and that it was a good game. In the end, it's tough to be a visitor on opening night playing against the defending Super Bowl champions," commented Cheney late in the evening.

Senate Democrats blasted Cheney for his insensitive remarks. "These people don't care about the Raiders or their fans," Ted Kennedy said.

At the music awards ceremony after the game, hip-hop artist Kayne West attacked the Bush administration. "We all know that the Raiders colors are silver and black. Who would've won if the Raiders colors were silver and white?" Other music artists quickly chimed in to agree with West.

When asked about the football game, Senator John McCain said, "Huh? When did football season start?"

Bloggers were quick to jump in the middle of the controversy. Over at the LeftiesWhoHateEverythingAboutBush blog, one blogger claimed that "First, Bush stole the 2000 election from Gore. Then, via Karl Rove, Bush orchestrated the 9/11 attacks on the World Trade Center. The Bush administration invented a war on lies in Iraq, and had right-wing programmers write viruses that pre-determined the 2004 elections. Bush neglected Kyoto and caused global warming, otherwise there would be icebergs in the Gulf and we wouldn't have to worry about hurricanes. He caused those hurricanes, and Americans are suffering. He cut taxes for the wealthy and raised taxes on the poor. And now, Bush favored the New England Patriots who have already won the Super Bowl many times in recent years, and neglected the needs of the Oakland Raiders and their fans. This is the worst administration in history. The polls show it. Democrats are going to win it all back in 2006." Many bloggers tried to refute Bush's involvement in the football game, but they were quickly banned from the website and labeled "Patriot Trolls."

Sean Penn immediately flew to the East Coast and joined the Raiders in their locker room after the game. He brought 500 cameras and a TV crew to film his arrival. "I'm here to help," Penn said. He said he would join the Raiders in practice this week, and hoped to suit up next week for the Raiders home opener against Kansas City. Raider officials declined to comment, but did mention that Penn's football equipment seemed to be lacking some padding and they weren't sure if his helmet was NFL regulation or not. "Two or three hits by a linebacker, and I think some of this junk would fall apart," one official said, off the record.

Both Patriots and Raiders officials have declined to comment regarding the game, instead choosing to focus on the remainder of the season.