Polling the Night Away

Have you noticed the attention the polls are getting this election year? It's not enough to say that "Bush is ahead" or "Kerry is ahead." In the light of alleged attempts by media groups to influence the election, it seems as if newscasters are going out of their way to present both sides down to the most minute minutia.

"Today's Superpoll has Bush leading by 3% among likely voters. But in today's Wonderpoll, Kerry continues to hold a slim lead."

It's not enough to mention "likely voters" or "registered voters," the media is giving us the breakdown of all kinds of groups.

"Superpoll asked dog owners who have a past history of voting in election years divisible by the number eight. Superpoll also showed that the President was picking up support from voters who owned koi. But in what must be disturbing to the Bush administration, is that parakeet owners overwhelming prefer Kerry, and Bush lost this key voting block to Al Gore in 2000 94% to 4%, with 2% voting for Ralph Nader."

The media likes to ask the candidate pressing questions about their failures to move the polls, which usually ends up creating some response during a speech out on campaign.

"In response to the dismal polling support from parakeet owners, President George Bush said that making parakeets safe has been a priority during his administration. 'My opponent won't mention his voting record regarding cats. Cats have been terrorizing parakeets for the past 30 years while he's been in the Senate. On every Senate vote, if he bothers to show up, my opponent has been on the wrong side of the parakeet issue. Spending on parakeet issues has increased during my administration. And there won't be a draft.'"

For balance, the media then goes to the challenger, who seizes on the polling data that favors him trying to lock in that vote.

"This administration has failed parakeet owners. If he can't help parakeets, how is he going to solve America's health care crisis? I have a plan for all Americans, including parakeets."

We're left scratching our heads, not sure of what the polls are telling us. The sound clips from the candidates are delivered out of context, so it influences us for the next 10 hours or however long our memory retention lasts. Then it's off to the next news story.

"And in bad news for coffee drinkers, it seems to cause the same kind of low-level inflamation seen not only from those who have a high risk of heart attacks, but from parakeets being chased by cats."